Memories
by Edward the VIII
Summary: 'It's a struggle for survival, and as her bright blue eyes lock with his green ones, she knew that one of them was going to die.' A world where Minato and Kushina never sacrificed themselves, a world where the Uchiha never perished. Yet things aren't as perfect as they seem, and a young Uzumaki Naruto finds that out when she's forced to kill for the first time. Female! Naruto.


**Warning: **_This story contains depictions of violence, panic attacks, and other things. If you're sensitive to that kind of thing, be warned._

* * *

It's a struggle for survival, and as her eyes lock with his, she knew that one of them was going to die.

_It couldn't be her._

The tip of her kunai disappeared into his chest. His preteen body shook, heaved—he's yelling, still clawing at her with his bare hands, and she used whatever strength she has to pull the knife out and stab him again, then again, then again.

When he stops moving, when he stops screaming, she stops as well.

Sticky liquid flowed down her fingers—she let go of the knife, staring at her hand. It's the same colour as her mother's hair, and the _pang_ that ran through her hits strong.

"Mom," she whispered underneath her breath, letting go of the knife, hugging herself tightly. She fell to the side, the boy's still warm body making her shudder. It's not the same as her mother's hugs, her father's hand mussing her hair. She never wanted so badly to be home.

She's there for… she doesn't know how long she's there. The corpse is cold, utterly still, and she's pressed up against it, but her strength has vanished; all she can feel is the liquid on her hand, see, even in the darkness, that it was smeared on her jumpsuit.

The others are yelling for her—she just laid still, shuddering.

Following her chakra signature, they stumble upon her.

Sasuke's the first to reach her, and his eyes are wide, the same color as the liquid on her fingers, without pupils and instead with something _swirling_ in them. She flinched involuntarily.

"Naruto," he said, and there's a worried tone in his voice. "What happened?"

* * *

Five shinobi had engaged them—all of them bandits, without rank or affiliation with any known hidden village. The strongest of them had battled Kakashi—the second strongest had went after Sasuke. The third strongest had pursued her, and the other two had picked on Sakura.

She remembered the smoke, explosions, being separated—loud voices in the air, the sound of metal clanging against metal. She saw _him_, a flurry of shuriken thrown her way, and the rest was a blur.

It's still on her hands, her jumpsuit, as the four of the huddle around a campfire, Kakashi going between the three of them in order to piece out the encounter as it happened.

Kakashi had been hard pressed by his opponent, but he'd defeated him nonetheless.

She learned that the change in Sasuke's eyes was what they called the _sharingan_… she had never seen it in person before, only heard about it, in textbooks and from Sasuke himself. He had awakened it during his own one-on-one battle, and had used it to great effect in order to defeat his opponent.

Kakashi asked Sasuke if it was his first kill, and the young Uchiha nodded. He said nothing else after that.

Sakura's next, and it's just then that she learned that they hadn't been out to kill them, at least, they weren't out to kill _her_, or Sakura, or Sasuke. Kakashi was too dangerous to be left alive; the rest of them, they'd wanted to take them captive.

Her young friend was smart, she was clever, but she was no match in a two-on-one fight and they'd made quick work of her. They had had ample opportunity to kill her, but instead they bound and gagged her, talking in earshot of her about their plans to ransom them back to Konohagakure. Sasuke and Kakashi arrived not long after—Kakashi dispatching the two with ease. They'd freed Sakura, and then-

She tried to recount her own battle, but it's tough. She remembered snarling, she remembered his use of an Earth technique that had thrown her back and separated her from her team even more. But past that, it's hazy(_his hands clasping at her as she stabs and stabs and stabs_) and she fell silent.

It's not as if she has to tell them about her victory, they had all seen it, his still corpse and her knife still sticking out of his gut. She was alive and he was dead, very much dead, his screams having cut off around the eighth time her kunai had hit home.

But she didn't have to kill him; she knew this now. If she'd lost, he would have knocked her out, tied her up, but he wouldn't have _killed her_.

She didn't even try to do it a different way, to knock him out, to talk some sense into him. From the moment the battle had begun, adrenaline had overtaken her and clear thinking had vanished. So easily it had been for her to make the decision to kill him, in the moment, the heat of battle.

A life taken by her hand. A person, with thoughts, and feelings, and _God_...

Kakashi told them the specifics of his own encounter, and Sasuke and Sakura both listen intently. She, however, doesn't, she stared at Sasuke, who looked so _calm_, and she thinks, _how can you be like this; you killed for the first time, the same as me…_

She felt so weak, a bitter taste in her mouth, but she felt _disgusted_, revolted with herself, and when Kakashi ordered them to go to bed she does so with no complaint.

She and Sakura share a tent—her friend fell asleep quickly, but even with absolute silence aside from Sakura's gentle breathing, she just looked at the wall of the tent, her thoughts screaming in her ears.

_A killer, I'm a killer-_

* * *

In the morning, they're up. She feigned having slept, but she'd been awake nearly the entire night, having only lost bits and pieces to sheer exhaustion here and there.

Sakura asked her if she was okay, and she replied, of course she was, just tired and ready to get home. Her friend doesn't press her any further.

The mission had been a C-rank, a simple escort mission, and they had finished it. They were a day's travel from Konoha, maybe less.

Blissfully, Kakashi knew his way around the area, and he lead them to a stream. He took Sasuke with him and they disappeared down the bank—her and Sakura strip to their underclothes and wade into the water.

She grabbed a handful of grass and used it to scrub the dried liquid off of his hand—flakes fall away and she watched them follow the gentle current. Sakura hums loudly and she allowed herself to relax, to stare up at the sky and watch the sun as it lazily continued to rise.

When her and Sakura are done, they climb out and sit on the bank, allowing time to whittle away as the air dried them off. Pulling back on their clothes, they move to meet Kakashi.

She refuses to put the top-half of her jumpsuit back on; she has an undershirt, a fishnet one, and she's perfectly fine with wearing that, instead of the stained garment she had slung over her shoulder.

It's a relief, she thought, to be clean… at least, on the outside. Her blonde hair fell down her back, tangled and messy, but she refused Sakura's offer to brush it for her, thinking that she wasn't really up to being touched right about now.

About a hundred meters up the stream they find Sasuke and Kakashi—Sasuke with wet hair that hung in his eyes, and she remembered the color of them from the previous night, a souvenir of his first kill, and she thinks that he looked much better with them as they are now: black, warm, inviting. Not the same color as her mother's hair.

"What took you so long, Naruto?" Sasuke said, a smirk on his face. "Did you fall in or something?"

She grinned, a retort on her lips, and she thinks, _at least he hasn't changed._

* * *

They made it to Konohagakure before nightfall; the weather is calm, the trees still, and a desire to simply be home drove them to move faster than they ordinarily would.

As they walk in formation to the gates of the town, she saw a brightly coloured blob just in front of the chunin that stood guard.

She stilled, and she remembered, and she _froze_ and when Sasuke looks at her she could only feel a great shame of her weakness.

Kakashi put a hand on her shoulder, guiding her forward. When they're about twenty meters away, her mother can't help it anymore, and she darted forward.

When she's enveloped in a warm, tight hug, all Naruto can see is her mother's hair—she smelled death, she heard screams, and it's all she can do to not scream herself until her mother blissfully lets go.

"I was so worried..." Kushina said. "Kakashi sent word of what happened…" She stared at her daughter with those big violet eyes, so full of warmth and kindness, and Naruto can feel tears brimming in her own eyes.

"_Mom,_" she choked out, and soon she's wrapped up in a hug once more. Her team looks on, silent, and when Kushina elected to join them to their destination of the Hokage's tower, none of them object.

* * *

Her father listens to Kakashi's report in tense silence, and Naruto can see it, the _judging _look in his eyes.

He blamed Kakashi-sensei for her weakness—the second they'd entered the room, Kushina had darted for Minato, whispering into his ear, and they had both shot her a worried look.

Now they all sit and wait as Kakashi describes the overall encounter. Normally Sasuke having unlocked his _sharingan_ would be a cause for celebration, Sakura not being killed a reason for relief. But when Kakashi's finished and patiently waiting for the Hokage's response, there's nothing but silence.

"Naruto," Minato began, and the protectiveness in his tone is blatant. "Sasuke, Sakura; please excuse yourselves."

They follow his orders without question and sit outside of the office. There's no yelling, there's _nothing_, because the Hokage's office is covered with enough seals to make a cannon blast fired inside inaudible from the outside.

Sakura stared at a spot on her knee. Sasuke stared at the wall. Naruto stared at her hand, and just maybe, she thinks that she hadn't gotten all of the sticky liquid out of her fingernails.

When Kakashi came out of the office, he looked _tired_, and that's something their sensei has never looked like.

"Go home and rest," he said. "We've got a week's leave."

"Why?" Sasuke was the one to ask. "None of us are hurt, we can-"

"It's not my decision." Kakashi doesn't look at Naruto, instead directly at Sasuke, but they all know. "Congratulations on your _sharingan_, Sasuke. Sakura, losing to two shinobi is nothing to fret over. Naruto…" His one eye looked sad as he _finally_ looks at her. "... see you in a week," is all he said before vanishing in a puff of smoke.

Naruto exhaled. The three of them exchanged looks.

"No training, no missions, _nothing_?" Sakura says, a look on her face as if she's just sniffed a dead rat. "We're just supposed to sit around for a week?"

"Hokage's orders," Sasuke grunted, shoving his hands into his pockets.

He shoots a look at Naruto, opened his mouth as if to say something, but thought twice about it.

"I'll see you two in a week," Sasuke said, before he walked away.

Sakura looked at his back, frowning.

"See you around, Naruto," she said, before making to follow after their teammate.

Naruto stared at their backs, and then her eyes swiveled to the still open door of her father's office. They're in there—surely, they expected her to come in.

But she feels sick, she feels _weak_, and she thinks that a week's leave won't help, not even a little. Her father, overprotective as always, was blaming others for _her _weakness and she hated it.

Then there was her mother, with her warm hugs and her sweet smile, big eyes promising her that she was safe (_sticky, disgusting liquid running down her fingers)_ and suddenly, Naruto felt a chill.

The very idea of seeing her mother's hair again makes her want to gag, and with only the slightest of hesitations, she made to follow her teammates out of the building.

* * *

She slept for _fourteen hours_, and it's the blackest night she's ever seen when she wakes up. It reminded her of Sasuke's eyes, only not warm, not inviting.

Still, she looked at the walls of her bedroom—_orange_—and she cringed. Orange, a mix of yellow and another color, and she turned and saw a picture of their little family on her nightstand: the father with blonde hair and blue eyes, the daughter the same, the mother with violet eyes and-

Naruto pulled herself out of bed, her breaths coming fast and harsh.

_I'm not weak,_ she thinks, and yet as she sets the picture face-down, she knows that she is.

The idea of not training for a week seems ridiculous, it's a habit so ingrained in her she can't imagine not doing it, and it's that habit that causes her to gather her things and don a fresh change of her jumpsuit, because that's what she always does when she wakes up.

When she slipped out of her bedroom through her window, she knew where to go.

By the time she's there, she knew that she hadn't slept for anywhere near long enough, that she's still tired, and yet, she's gone too far to turn back now.

Naruto frowned as she heard sounds in her team's training grounds. That is, until she sees a fireball erupt in the distance and she feels warmth flow through her, and not because of the fire.

She darted forward until she can see him. "Sasuke!" she called, and the smile on her face is bright and genuine.

He paused, looking at her, a smidge of ash on the corner of his lips. He'd propelled the fireball over a small stream, blades of grass still smouldering, the fire having dissipated long before it reached the opposite treeline.

"What are you doing up?" he asked, and Naruto stared at his eyes, his _sharingan_ eyes, with a sort of fear until he allowed it to fade away, and that comforting blackness is looking at her instead.

"I just-" She paused. "I fell asleep as soon as I got home, and I only woke up like twenty minutes ago. What about you?"

"I came here," Sasuke said. "I trained, and I trained."

"For half a day straight?" He's no weakling, not like her, but she's always had him beat in the stamina department and even that was a little far fetched for her.

"I slept for a few hours," he murmured. "Just fell into the grass and when I woke up, I went straight back to training."

That sounded like Sasuke.

"You're supposed to be on leave, you know," Naruto said, and it's tough to hide the concern in her voice. "Have you seen your family? Your brother?"

Sasuke's face darkened. "You're supposed to be on leave too," he noted.

She shrugged. "I guess we're both breaking the rules, huh?" A grin tugged at her lips. "You want to spar?"

"Okay," is all he says, slipping into a stance.

Sparring with Sasuke is as easy as breathing—a jab, a kick, a deflection. They both pull no punches; Sasuke attacked her with a calm viciousness, and she attacked him with a wild rabidness.

They're equal, if only just, and fifteen minutes later it's by the skin of her teeth that she sends Sasuke crashing to the ground.

He's up on his feet not a minute later, and after another ten minutes, this time it's her turn to be knocked down. But she's up just as fast.

They're both exhausted, panting, and they fall in the grass, laid out side by side. The moon shone high above them.

"Why haven't you gone home, Sasuke?" Naruto can't help but ask, her chest rising and falling slowly. "I know they're worried about you."

She felt his eyes on her, but forced herself to continue staring at the sky, counting the stars.

"The _sharingan_ makes it so I remember everything," he said, and leaves it at that.

Naruto's always had a photographic memory, not that she put it to much use in school. She can vividly recall the life leaving the boy's eyes, the liquid on her hands, the sound of her knife being driven into his flesh.

Now she knows Sasuke can recall it just as well, just as clearly.

He was human, she thinks, of _course_ it affected him, if only a little. But he's an Uchiha, and they're warriors at heart, and well he's not weak like she is, freezing up at the sight of the color of her mother's hair.

The crickets are all that keep the air from being too silent. Naruto wondered what was going on in her friend's head, but she knew it was to no avail, having long since given up on the puzzle that was Uchiha Sasuke.

* * *

A week is a long time to be out of action, especially when she'd just gotten used to the swing of things. She trained every day in the meantime, sometimes with Sasuke, but mostly alone.

Her father is busy with his work as Hokage, as always. She sees him at dinner and that's it. And her mother—more accurately, her _hair_—made Naruto want to vomit, and that meant she didn't see her often either.

There's no need for a letter, a note, a summon, a courier. Exactly one week after they're put on leave, all of Team Seven is at the training grounds at eight o'clock sharp, even Kakashi.

"We're going to be weeding a garden today," Kakashi says, and Naruto knew it had been best not to get her hopes up.

Weeding a garden, sowing a field, walking dogs. This is the sort of work that the lowest of the D-ranks offer—extremely low level, low skill work that could be done by just about anyone. They're as safe as a mission can get, never leaving the village.

They've already run the gauntlet of these sort of D-rank missions that all freshly minted genin get. They'd gotten bumped up to the higher tier ones a month ago, stuff like patrolling the walls and sparring with academy students. Two weeks ago they'd gone on their first C-rank, and since then had completed two more C-ranks, including the most recent one they had returned from.

When a genin team encounters something like they did, and is forced to kill as they were, maybe they're bumped down to the higher tier D-ranks for a little while until they've settled. They aren't shoved to the bottom of the totem pole.

This has her father's hands in it and they all know it. By their fourth mission of the day, this one being to chase the daimyo's cat, even Sasuke is shooting her dirty looks.

Above anything else, it's _this_ that drives her to confront her father for the first time since she has returned. It's fair enough to keep her penned up in the village, weak as she is, but Sasuke is not _her_, and he of all people didn't deserve to be burdened because of her.

She stormed into his office, unimpeded by anyone because _everybody_ knows who she is in Konoha, but when she stops before his desk, and he looks at her, she can't, she just can't. She's twelve, and young, and a genin, and this is the _Hokage_, the _Yondaime_, and that came first, even before him being her father.

It took her a moment to collect herself, but he waited until she was ready to speak.

"You can't baby me forever, Dad," she said at last, chewing the inside of her cheek, staring at the floor. "I can't do D-rank missions for the rest of my life."

"I'm not babying you," her father insisted, and leans back in his chair, defensive. "You and Sasuke-kun should have had more field experience under your belts before you had to encounter anything like that. What I'm doing is-"

"-pretending like I'm made of glass," Naruto finishes for him, a nasty edge to her voice.

"_No_," Minato said. "What I'm doing is making sure you're safe."

She gestured to herself. "I'm alive, aren't I?" she said.

"Being safe is more than simply being alive."

He sighed, and she sees his fists clench into balls on top of the desk.

"I _killed _someone, Dad," Naruto whispered. "You've done it, and so has Mom, so can we stop pretending like it's some big deal? It was going to happen eventually."

Her father inhaled deeply.

"I was fourteen when I first killed someone," he said. "And it was to save a comrade's life."

She's twelve, and a tenth of the shinobi he was at her age. And she hadn't killed to save anyone's life but her own, and even then that wasn't true.

But she remained steadfast, if not for herself, than for Sasuke and Sakura, because they all had hopes and aspirations of being famous shinobi and that was impossible if her father was keeping them caged like animals within Konoha's tall walls.

"I'm a shinobi now, Dad," she said, and to prove it, she tapped the Konoha symbol on her headband.

"I know," he said. There's a _look_ in his eyes and it makes her stomach clench; he feels guilty, she realized.

There's a tense silence, and she doesn't know what to say, and neither does he. "I have to meet my team," Naruto mumbled; Minato nodded and she left without another word.

* * *

Later that day, they're given a mission to patrol the walls. _It's progress_, she thought, the wind whipping their her hair and tall, green trees spreading out as far as she could see.

Sasuke always eyed the outside world with a _hunger_ she can't describe, but then again, she can't blame him. For twelve years all three of them had been locked inside the village; now that they were genin, every mission was a new adventure, filled with places to explore and people to meet.

Leaving Konoha was almost as intoxicating as coming back to it was. Because while she loved her mother's hugs and her father's warm gaze, the training grounds and Ichiraku's, she also loved the open road and the sun beating down on her, Sasuke and Sakura at her side and Kakashi behind her reading his book.

Patrolling Konohagakure's walls was an easy task, easier still during peacetime. There's a dense defensive web that extends all around the city—jonin, chunin, set up in outposts that defend vital chokepoints and landmarks.

She's seen maps of these outposts in her father's study on the rare occasion she's allowed inside. There's a reason that no enemy army has ever managed to come even close to launching an assault on Konoha itself.

_They_ are there mostly for show, for training on observation and on how to maintain discipline. Many other genin teams are given their own section of the wall, and Team Seven has their own section to cover. Sakura, Sasuke, and her spread out across the section—Kakashi remained in the center.

Naruto stared out at the horizon, and she looks at the colors. Orange and blue, white puffy clouds. And there, a hint of pink-

She flinched involuntarily, but then it clicks in her mind that it's _pink_, not the color of her mother's hair, and she allowed herself to relax.

The rest of their mission passed by in relative quiet, because of course, no one was going to attack Konoha. No enemies would ever breach its walls, not in her lifetime or her children's.

* * *

It's only the fourth day after they're taken off leave when Kakashi calls Sasuke out.

"You need to be using your _sharingan _when you're sparring with Naruto or Sakura," Kakashi said. "I understand it gives you an advantage, but you'll be fighting with it more often that you will without it, and it's going to be an integral part of your moveset. Even in spars you need to use it."

Sasuke nodded, then prepared for their next match.

It's him against Sakura, and this time, the poor girl's even more outclassed than she typically is. Her offense is deflected with ease, her defense picked apart, and two minutes pass before she's sent careening to the ground.

Sakura's given a break, and then it's her versus Sakura.

Her friend is tough and they've learned not to take it easy on her, but even still, Naruto is heads and shoulders above Sakura in sheer skill. Six minutes is what it takes for Sakura to be knocked down yet again.

And now it's her against Sasuke.

They stand at a distance, and his warm black eyes stare into her blue ones.

Launching themselves into a flurry of kicks and punches, her heart beating fast, Naruto lost herself in a trance.

Very soon into their spar, Kakashi calls out "Sasuke!"

The young Uchiha's face darkened; she blinked and suddenly his eyes had morphed into the _sharingan. _

It's so fast, so sudden, and she felt her insides turn to ice.

She clumsily deflected a punch, but then there's a foot headed for her gut and she's too busy staring into his eyes to block it.

When she's sent careening to the floor, it's been barely a minute.

Shame curdles in her gut, and she's on her feet before Kakashi can officially say the spar's over.

Sasuke looked unsure, _sharingan_ spinning slightly, and he seemed aware his victory was more a result of her weakness than his newfound strength.

When his eyes fade back to normal, she let out a sigh of relief.

Kakashi gave her a strange look, before announcing that it would be Sasuke and Sakura again next.

* * *

"What's wrong with you is perfectly natural," Kakashi told her in private, after they were done training.

"There's nothing wrong with me," Naruto bites out, but she's convincing no one, least of all her teacher.

Kakashi eyed her cautiously.

He held out his palm, and she looks at him, confused. She's still confused when he takes a kunai out. And she's terrified when he slices his palm open.

The reaction is so immediate, so shocking, that even when she blinks and the liquid vanishes she's still shaking.

"You have a fear of blood," Kakashi stated matter of factly. "And of anything that reminds you of it."

She blinks slowly.

"I…" She can't find the right words to say.

Kakashi looked at her with that sad look in his eye, and she just wants to huddle up and cry.

"The way you reacted on the mission; the look on your face when you saw Sasuke's _sharingan._ Your reaction when you saw Kushina, at least, when you saw her hair. And just now, that genjutsu. It doesn't take a genius to put two and two together, and well, I am one."

His logic is so simple and she _hates_ it, that her weakness is so blatant.

"I-I never liked it to begin with," she mumbled. "Scratches and cuts and stuff. They heal fast, but when they bleed I just cringe and feel so _wrong_." She inhaled deeply. "Then with the boy and there was so much and-" She seized up and stopped talking.

Kakashi didn't press her anymore than he already had; instead he tries to comfort her, and he's never been good at that.

"It's okay," he said softly. "Everyone has a different reaction to their first kill. It'll pass and you'll be stronger for it."

She wants to believe his words, but honestly, she can't think of a single way she could be anything more than _weak_ in a world where blood was more plentiful than water.

* * *

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